Wouldn’t you know it?

 

Just when I think I have this ‘death’ thing chastised, put behind me, dealt with, done, the ‘grief’ thing hits.

 

Yes, I was sad; but I saw Death as a blessing in disguise, so to speak.

I thought I had put Death in ‘his place.’

 

But I had not yet met Death’s boon companion – Grief, who was lurking at the edge of my awareness.

Yes, I had ‘dealt’ with the death of my sister.

 

Nevertheless …

I suppose it’s the ‘mind/body’ dichotomy.

Intellectually, I had processed the death of my sister.

 

I thought I had done so well to work through my sister’s death.

• I had experienced the immediate aftermath
• I had processed the event intellectually – as a blessing in disguise
• I talked about it
• I wrote about it
• I quoted Scripture about it
• I shared my thoughts and feelings about it

 

Yes, I had reconciled her death – intellectually, in my head.

But … my heart felt otherwise.

 

Yes, Death was the event, the fact, the truth, the reality.

But I had not yet met Death’s intimate companion: Grief – the emotion, the feeling, the soul-wound to the heart.

    

Grief, the Intruder

     

• Grief, the intruder.
• Grief, come to pierce my heart and rend my soul.
• Grief, hiding in the dark, waiting to attack – a silent invasion, without words.
• Grief, welling up out of nowhere.

 

• Grief, a physical pressure on my chest, a weight on my heart.
• Grief, unspeakable – physically closing around my throat, cutting of both sound and breath (scary!).
• Grief, sabotaging my writing/ blogging efforts with apathy and ennui.
• Grief, sucking energy and enjoyment from my life.

 

• Grief, bringing to mind regrets of long-ago sibling rivalries, disagreements, and perceived slights, all which had long been resolved or dismissed with the insight of adulthood.
• Grief, trying to make me ruminate on lost opportunities of a more intimate relationship, more times of family fellowship, a closer, stronger, sisterhood.

 

• Grief, trying to lead me into darkness, depression, despondency.

 

I experienced

• waves of sorrow that would swell up unexpectedly
• a heaviness would press on my chest, my heart
• my lungs feeling squeezed, seized up, leaving me without the breath to speak

 

In addition,

• I no longer had any interest in the things I loved to do.
• I was unable to focus, to do what I wanted to do.
• I became lethargic, unable to do what I ought to do, had to do.

 

Then …

I realized that my heart hadn’t even recognized my loss.

• Loss of our relationship as siblings
• Loss of my relationship with my sister (sorry, Bro, but the relationship between us is different)
• Loss of relationship within my nuclear family (both our parents died years ago)
• Loss of The Communicator (you know, the one that keeps the family/ extended family informed and connected)

 

• Loss of summer evenings making home-made peach ice cream, cousins playing together, sibs and in-laws talking while enjoying watching the kids have fun together
• Loss of winter gatherings and celebrations
• Loss of spring sharing of our birthdays
• Loss of our futures together as our children had their own families

 

And probably more I haven’t even thought of as yet.

But …

 

Now, I recognized Grief.

Now, I perceived signs and indications of Grief – the Interrupter.

 

And, I took action …

… I reached out.

… I asked for help.

 

I looked to my Father … and I looked to His ‘hands and feet’ on earth.

 

My counselor suggested the Center for Loss and Life Transition and GriefShare.

I reached out to GriefShare.

 

I have attended the 13 sessions.

I have watched the videos.

I have joined in the group discussion.

I have read the information and answered the questions in the workbook.

 

… I am healing.

 

It is said, dealing with Grief is not a sprint, quickly reaching the end, and everything ‘back to normal.’ (In fact, there will never be that ‘normal’ again.)

But, instead, processing Grief is more like a marathon.

Living through Grief is a journey, and, at times, an arduous trek.

 

A journey taken step-by-step, day-by-day (even hour-by-hour!).

A journey of perseverance through – not over, under, around, but through.

There are no shortcuts; however, there may be detours.

 

My journey through Grief is not the same as your journey through Grief (and vice versa).

My relationship with the one who died was not the same as your relationship with them (and vice versa).

About Grief

While, yes, there are ‘so-called’ ‘stages’ of grief, the number varies with differences of opinion.

 

The original 5, were described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in On Death and Dying, as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

 

Her theory explained the process of grief over five distinct, linear stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Kubler-Ross’s work was revolutionary. It acknowledged that grief is a normal emotional process, which helped reduce the stigma associated with grieving.

 

However, Kubler-Ross’s research was done with patients who were dying of a terminal illness which gave the impression that grief was a linear process — where one step had to follow another.

 

This became problematic as the grief experienced by the survivors of loss is unique. People move in and out of the stages of grief in varying ways and time frames.

 

The idea that someone was not grieving “correctly” was confusing and painful.

 

She later expanded the five core stages of grief to seven:

Dr. Kubler-Ross later regretted the misunderstanding of her original work and revised her 5-stage model to a 7-stage grieving process. The stages of shock and testing were added so that the complete process consisted of shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance.

 

Shock describes an initial response of emotional paralysis, or numbness, and the testing stage involves trying new ways of coping with the loss and rebuilding life after loss.

 

Psychcentral.com defines the “Kübler-Ross Change Curve.”

It has some different descriptive words as it extends the five core stages of grief to seven overlapping stages:

1. Shock. Intense and sometimes paralyzing surprise at the loss.

2. Denial. Disbelief and the need to look for evidence to confirm the loss.

3. Anger and frustration. A mix between acknowledgment that some things have changed and anger toward this change.

4. Depression. Lack of energy and intense sadness.

5. Testing. Experimenting with the new situation to discover what it actually means in your life.

6. Decision. A rising optimism about learning how to manage the new situation.

7. Integration. Acceptance of the new reality, reflection on what you learned, and stepping out in the world as a renewed person.

 

Healthline.com offers another set of 7 stages of grief which provide an additional model for describing the many complicated experiences of loss.

These seven stages include:

1. Shock and denial: This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings.

2. Pain and guilt: You may feel that the loss is unbearable and that you’re making other people’s lives harder because of your feelings and needs.

3. Anger and bargaining: You may lash out, telling God or a higher power that you’ll do anything they ask if they’ll only grant you relief from these feelings or this situation.

4. Depression: This may be a period of isolation and loneliness during which you process and reflect on the loss.

5. The upward turn: At this point, the stages of grief like anger and pain have died down, and you’re left in a more calm and relaxed state.

6. Reconstruction and working through: You can begin to put pieces of your life back together and move forward.

7. Acceptance and hope: This is a very gradual acceptance of the new way of life and a feeling of possibility for the future.

 

Moreover, Dennis Toll puts forth 12 Steps in Grief Process:

1. Recover from a loved one’s death requires more than time. …

2. Grief is universal – grievers are distinctive. …

3. Shock initiates us into mourning. …

4. Grief causes depression. …

5. Grief is hazardous to our health. …

6. Grievers need to know they’re normal. …

7. Grievers suffer guilt feelings. …

8. Grief makes people angry. …

9. Emotional upheaval characterizes grievers. …

10. Grievers often lack direction and purpose. …

11. Healing brings hope to grievers. …

12. Survivors reaffirm themselves and choose life. …

 

Nevertheless, for ANY of these ‘stages,’ NONE are necessarily sequential, and certainly they are NOT the same for everyone.

 

Some may be experienced several ‘stages’ at the same time, or some none at all.

Some ‘stages’ may be processed, but then, they may come around again (and again).

 

Similarly, emotions can well up again (and again).

Perhaps, not at the same intensity of emotion, but having impact, nonetheless.

Where I Found Help: GriefShare

There is hope for the grieving.

 

If you are on the challenging journey to peace and a ‘new normal’ after the death of someone you love, please, dear one, seek help from those who have traveled a similar path.

³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,

⁴ who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.                                           2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NASB

 

Please, receive the loving, empathetic encouragement of those who have, and are, making their own journey, way, path – fellow sojourners.

 

GriefShare provides a safe (and confidential) place to learn, share experiences, ask questions, and to seek acceptance and strength for the new direction your life has taken.

 

Please see GriefShare as a way through the pain of grief, sorrow, sadness, loss.

Please see GriefShare as a map, through this difficult time, to peace, serenity, acceptance.

While GriefShare is Christian-based, non-Christians are welcome.

We Have Promises from Scripture

God is With Us

       

Through GriefShare, we learn (or remember) that however lonely we feel, we are not alone.

⁸ “The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”                                                       Deuteronomy 31:8 NASB

 

Yeshua Is with Us Always

 

¹⁸ And Jesus came up and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth.

¹⁹ “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit,

²⁰ teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always even to the end of the age.”                                                                                Matthew 28:18-20 NASB

 

²² Now all this took place to fulfill what was spoken by the Lord through the prophet:

²³ “BEHOLD, THE VIRGIN SHALL BE WITH CHILD AND SHALL BEAR A SON, AND THEY SHALL CALL HIS NAME IMMANUEL,” which translated means, “GOD WITH US.”                                                    Matthew 1:22-23 NASB

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit Love Us

 

³⁵ Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

³⁶ Just as it is written, “FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED.”

³⁷ But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.

³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers,

³⁹ nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.                                                            Romans 8:35-39 NASB

 

¹⁴ The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, be with you all.                                                           2 Corinthians 13:14 NASB

Unity with the Godhead

       

Through the Holy Spirit, Yeshua is with you and in you, as you are with and in Him and the Father.

¹⁶ “I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever;

¹⁷ that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot * receive, because it does not see Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you.

 ²⁰ “In that day you will know that I am in My Father, and you in Me, and I in you.                                                                         John 14:16-17, 20 NASB

 

²¹ that they may all be one; even as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they also may be in Us, so that the world may believe that You sent Me.

²² “The glory which You have given Me I have given to them, that they may be one, just as We are one;

²³ I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me.                                                         John 17:21-23 NASB

 

God Cares for Us

          

⁶ Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time,

⁷ casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.                                                                                    1 Peter 5:6-7 NASB

God Comforts Us

 

³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,

⁴ who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

⁵ For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.                                                                        2 Corinthians 1:3-5 NASB

 

God Sees Your Heart

 

⁷ But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God does not see as man sees, since man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”                                                                      1 Samuel 16:7 NASB

 

Mourning to Joy

 

¹¹ You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,

¹² That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.                                                         Psalm 30:11-12 NASB

 

^2b To comfort all who mourn,

^3a To grant those who mourn in Zion, Giving them a garland [beauty – KJV] instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning, The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.                                                                 Isaiah 61:3 NASB

 

Peace: A Very Special Word

 

shalom⁷⁹⁶⁵ H completeness, soundness [safety], welfare [health, prosperity], peace [quiet, tranquility, contentment]

(well, favor, friend, great, good health, perfect)

 

eiréné¹⁵¹⁵ G one, peace [peace of mind], quietness, rest

eirḗnē¹⁵¹⁵ (from eirō, “to join, tie together into a whole”) – properly, wholeness, i.e., when all essential parts are joined together; peace (God’s gift of wholeness)

 

Divine peace is available to all believers.

 

Through the Messiah, believers can rest in divine peace during all circumstances, including pain, suffering, despair.

²⁸ “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

²⁹ “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. [Jeremiah 6:16]

³⁰ “For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”                                                            Matthew 11:28-30 NASB

 

²⁶ “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you.

²⁷ “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.                                                         John 14: 26-27 NASB

 

³³ “These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”                                                               John 16:33 NASB

 

⁶ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.                                                    Philippians 4:6-7 NASB

 

¹⁶ Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all!                                                                        2 Thessalonians 3:16 NASB

 

One Last Thing: Praise In All Circumstances

Did you notice the second parts of the mourning to joy passages?

 

The Scriptural key to moving from mourning to joy is praise.

¹¹ You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,

¹² That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.                                                            Psalm 30:11-12 NASB

 

^2b To comfort all who mourn,

^3a To grant those who mourn in Zion, Giving them a garland [beauty – KJV] instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning, The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.                                                                    Isaiah 61:2b-3a NASB

 

¹ I will bless the LORD at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.

⁴ I sought the LORD, and He answered me, And delivered me from all my fears.

¹⁸ The LORD is near to the brokenhearted * And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

                                                                     Psalm 34:1, 4, 18 NASB

 

⁵ Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him For the help of His presence.                                                       Psalm 42:5 NASB

 

³³ I will sing to the LORD as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have my being.                                                                Psalm 104:33 NASB

 

¹ Praise the LORD! Praise the LORD, O my soul!

² I will praise the LORD while I live; I will sing praises to my God while I have my being.

                                                            Psalm 146:1-22 NASB

 

 

Praise the LORD! Praise YeHoVaH!

 

Shalom, y’all.

… and Blessings,

 

TLThomas

©TLThomas 2023